Am I a writer? I don't consider myself to be, but I also have moments that I feel compelled to write. Most of the time I have something I need to say, a story to tell, an idea to explore. Tonight I have nothing, but I can't seem to tear myself away from this blank page. I'll just begin and see where it leads.

So much is going on in my life lately and I find myself wanting to share but I can't seem to find a place to start. Of course I started this blog as a place to work through and share my thoughts as my boys grow into men and my oldest prepares to "launch". That is what they are calling it now "launching" A rocket launching is what comes to mind. Shooting up and away from the world, far away from it's home. Off on an amazing adventure. So dramatic, so sudden. Others are left behind to cheer it on and dream of their own adventures. As I contemplate this idea of "launching" my children into the world, I begin to self-assess. What have I done well and where have I really screwed up? It's hard to tell yet. There is so much, if I could do it over, that I would change I think.... Would I?  I don't know. Should I have been stricter? Maybe I should have been more nurturing. Have I spent enough time with them? Or maybe I didn't push them to be independent enough? I look around me at all the parents I know. My sister for example already has her 4 year old's helping to prepare meals. In fact as I spoke with her the other day one of them made himself a quesadilla. Wow. And I'm still getting up and making breakfast for mine? Am I keeping them from growing up? Another mom I met has taken both her boys to the library after school everyday since they were little to reinforce how important homework and therefore education is. I've never made it a habit to sit with my boys while they've done their school work. Did I send the wrong message? I was just trying to teach them to be self sufficient. The interesting thing is that the longer I parent, the less confident I become. I thought it would have been just the opposite. It seems by now I would have had it in the bag. I wish I didn't second guess myself so often. One thing I do that helps is to ask for Gods assistance (often). I ask him to fix the mistakes I've made and then to forgive me for said mistakes. I hope that what I hear is true. That most children turn out just fine, not because of their parents, but despite their parents.

Football anyone?

Have you ever wanted to like something? I mean genuinely wanted to enjoy something, expected to like it, but just couldn't find your way to it? For me there are 3 notable examples...sushi, cooking and football.  When we moved to Hawaii shortly after we married 18 years ago, sushi was just coming into vogue. I was a newlywed and ready to embrace a new culture and try new things. A coworker brought me sushi and I dove right in, ready to like it. Maybe even love it! I hated it. I tried hers and I've tried different types over the years with different sauces. I still am disappointed. It's pretty and rather exotic and lets just face it, very cosmopolitan. I just don't care for it though. At least I tried. Cooking is another good example. I listen to my friends who enjoy being in the kitchen. They talk about experimenting with new recipes and spices that I've never had in my spice rack. Some of them spend hours in the kitchen! It all sounds so romantic. Me? I like to get in and out and I'd rather be out. If I had the extra dough (ha! no pun intended) I'd hire my own personal chef. I don't and so I keep hoping that one day I will magically start to love cooking. And I'm sure my husband does too! This leads to my final "want to love it" topic...football. My father is a die hard Bears fan and his enthusiasm is contagious. He has successfully indoctrinated my younger sister to his love of football (Bears style). My husband also is a big football fan, although his loyalty lays with the Dallas Cowboys.  A true fans enthusiasm is contagious and when I'm around it I love it. But alas I find I am only a fair weather fan. I love being at a football game, but if the action lulls, which it often does, I find myself distracted by...everything. The cheerleaders, my friends, the snack bar. Being at home is even worse. I have tried, really tried to pay attention, but there are SO many rules and SO many time outs. I need excitement! I really want to be a football fan...but

Senior Night

Last night was Senior Night at the Grafton Football game.  The senior football players and cheerleaders were honored before the start of the game. The band members were honored during half time.  Randy and I had to line up with Ryan towards the end of the 1st quarter. It takes almost an entire quarter to organize all those parents! My mom joined us to snap a few pictures before we headed out onto the field.

Last night it was drizzling and cold. The bleachers weren't full. It was dreary.  I thought it would be a sad night. I thought I might shed a few tears. The atmosphere certainly matched my anticipated mood. I wasn't sad though. As Randy and Ryan and I stood waiting to walk onto the field, we talked about how much he has enjoyed the last four years and how it was an act of serendipity that caused him to sign up for band in the first place. Ryan signed up for Art in 6th grade...then he found out that meant he also would need to take Public Speaking. Guess what? He refused. Yes, that's right. My young easy going, good natured boy said NO to Public Speaking. And so we were left with Band. I thought he would last one year. I'm so glad he pushed the issue and I'm so glad that we backed down.  It's been fun these last four years, for both Ryan and us.

Then it was time. We walked out onto the football field and stood on the 50 yard line. They called out Ryan's name and he gave me a flower and a hug and hugged his father and then went bounding out onto he field for the half-time performance. Last night wasn't sad, it was a happy memory, a culmination of sorts, a graduation.

1st Day of School

Tomorrow is the first day of school. Tomorrow I become the mother of two high school students. Tomorrow my younger son begins his high school experience and my older son faces the last year of high school. Tomorrow I will have the house to myself by 7:00 a.m. Tomorrow I will begin a new exercise routine. Tomorrow will be the start of a year full of beginnings and endings. Tomorrow  another school year will start that flies by to quickly.

Today it is still summer vacation and is filled with summertime plans; maybe a movie, maybe a hike and later a neighborhood cookout. Today I have two carefree boys with only thoughts of friends, the next meal and maybe another opportunity to play computer games. Today I am surrounded by family from the moment I wake up. Today I'll eat bar-b-q and cake. Today is the end of a summer that has passed by much too quickly.

Another birthday

Today he is 17. It's the last birthday he will celebrate before he graduates from high school. Most parents get to celebrate the 18th birthday during senior year. Maybe I should have held him back since he has a late birthday. He was only 4 when he started kindergarten and I agonized, yes agonized whether he should be off to school at such and early age. When we moved to Virginia, we thought about having him repeat kindergarten. If we had, he would have one more year at home, to celebrate one more birthday.

Senior year has started although school hasn't. Band camp is in full swing. Last week they marched from 8 a.m. to 4 p.m. This week they march from 3 p.m. until 9 p.m. Hats, sunscreen and water are the a necessity in the south eastern Virginia heat. I enjoy arriving a little early to listen to their progress each day. They sound great and look disciplined and put together. Of course I have no idea how Ryan sounds. He's just a small part of the whole. But as he marches with perfect posture head tilted back, trumpet on his lips, playing so everyone can hear, I stand taller too.

The beginning of 2011 / 2012 school year.

Back in 2008 I thought I might have what it takes to start a blog. That didn't last long. I started reading the blogs of others and quickly ascertained that I most definitely did not "have what it takes" and although I had designed the blog I left it alone, abandoned it. In fact I forgot about it until my oldest son started writing down his thoughts to share with the world. That's when I started thinking about it again...

Although I used to enjoy writing and maybe even was good at it, I'm completely out of practice. I have gained one thing since 2008: age. With age comes the ability to not worry so much over what others think and to act simply because it's satisfying to oneself. I set out on this journey, not for anyone else or even because I think I have any talent, but because I have a new motivation. My older son Ryan is starting his senior year in high school in a few short weeks and I have so much emotion wrapped up in everything associated with this year, that it seems appropriate that I might put "pen to paper" and work through all that I am feeling.